Navigating What and What Not To Say Following the Loss of a Baby
It's quite amazing how good we are at speaking positive affirmation over people, be it "Happy Birthday!", "Congratulations", or "Well done!". It comes naturally to join in someone's joy or to wish someone well, perhaps because the sentiment is clear and will nearly always be received as intended. If only we were as good at speaking encouragement and support over people when times are tough, a time when those words are arguably more crucial to the person in receipt of the sentiment.
I have known friends that have miscarried babies, and honestly, I often did not know what to say to them. I would think, oh gosh that's awful, how horrendous, you must be heart broken, but all I would manage to say was: "I'm sorry" and I think I may have even said some of the things in the "do not say" list. So if you were on the receiving end of that from me, I'm sorry. I would dwell on how much it must be awful to go through that, and succumb to a deep sigh of relief that it wasn't me.
Well. Now it is me. I am a mother that has lost a baby. And all of a sudden I know exactly what I need to hear and the things that aren't helpful to hear.
I know this is a very subjective thing, so my thoughts on what is or isn't appropriate or helpful may not be true for everyone or potentially even anyone else, but this has been my experience and hope that it may be useful for anyone who knows someone going through the loss of a baby and doesn't know what to say...Also, please don't feel hurt or offended if you have said these things to someone who has lost a baby, as I'm sure you meant it with compassion and sympathy and not maliciously; I just wanted to share some thoughts on what it can feel like to hear these words...
So..things NOT to say...
1. (In the case of losing a twin)... "At least you have the other one" - I'm sorry to sound ungrateful for this comment, but my twin sons are two individual people, not half of a whole, so apologies for not seeing my situation as a "glass half full vs half empty" simile. Having one does not negate the loss of the other. However, I totally understand that this is often said with the kindest sentiment and intention, and I would always receive it in the way it was intended. My view of having our survivor twin is that he is a ray of sunshine through a difficult time and loss of his brother. He has helped us mourn the loss of his brother, because he is a fighter and a reminder of our other gorgeous son. But no, there is no "at least", you wouldn't say "at least" to someone who had lost one baby in a singleton pregnancy, so perhaps don't say it to someone with twins.
2. I know how you feel...(this is only appropriate coming from you if you have also lost a baby). Again, often meant in the kindest, most sympathetic way, what it actually feels like to hear that is, "what you're going through is very common and so don't dwell on it". It can feel like it negates the suffering and the pain of losing a baby.
3. It was God's will.
As a Christian, I really struggle with this one, because honestly, I could not believe in or love a God that decided to kill babies. It was not God's will that our son died, it was quite the opposite. When we got the news, God wept with us, we could feel it. It is a result of the cruel, fallen world we live in, not the result of a cruel God who means to hurt us. Although hard to accept in the darkest moments, I know a God that is for me, who loves us, who loves Benjamin.
4. I'm sure you'll get pregnant again.
Well yes, hopefully, but perhaps now is not the time to say this as what it feels like you're saying is, "all babies are the same and you can replace the lost one with another one". That's not the case when we lose loved ones, and I can confirm it's definitely not the case with babies.
But perhaps the absolute worst thing to do is...
5. Avoiding them completely.
I would happily take hearing all of these things over silence. Losing a baby can make you feel very lonely and afraid of any situation where you might encounter other mums. Now is not the time to back off and give your friend "space", they will tell you if they need space. Otherwise, chances are, that they need you. They need a hug, they need a listening ear. They need someone who will sit with them, and be covered in snotty tears, and listen to incomprehensible words through those tears.
Things to think about when speaking to someone who has lost a baby:
1. How well do you know them? Will they be able to hear the sentiment over the potentially clumsy words? Would it be best to keep it short and simple or to help open them up to talk about it?
2. Try to imagine how it feels and what you wouldn't want to hear. If you wouldn't want to hear it, there's a good chance your friend won't either!
3. Don't be afraid of saying the wrong thing. My comments on here are just some thoughts as to what was helpful to hear and what wasn't, but it is better to hear that you cared about and loved (even if it is through the words "It was God's will"), than to hear nothing at all and to feel isolated.
Things you definitely SHOULD say...
1. "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "I'm sorry about ... (name)"
2. If your friend has named the baby/ies they lost, use the baby's name(s)!
3. Don't be afraid to talk to them about it, they won't ever forget about their baby, and they don't want the world to either.
4. Down the line, STILL ask them about it when they want to talk about it. The pain of that loss will never go away completely, we just get a little better at managing it as time goes on. There will be fresh triggers every now and then that bring the grief home again.
5. "This situation is £$%*& (enter appropriate expletive), what can I do/what do you need/how can I support you?"
So there are my thoughts. Don't overthink or worry if you've ever said any of the above to a friend that has lost a baby through stillbirth or miscarriage, I'm sure they will have received it with the kindest and love with which you intended. But if you are reading this before talking to your friend, maybe have a think about the best thing to say and how she will take it.
At the end of the day "That's crap. I'm so sorry. I'm here for you", goes a really long way.
Thankfully I was blessed with family and friends who said just that, but not everyone is!
I have known friends that have miscarried babies, and honestly, I often did not know what to say to them. I would think, oh gosh that's awful, how horrendous, you must be heart broken, but all I would manage to say was: "I'm sorry" and I think I may have even said some of the things in the "do not say" list. So if you were on the receiving end of that from me, I'm sorry. I would dwell on how much it must be awful to go through that, and succumb to a deep sigh of relief that it wasn't me.
Well. Now it is me. I am a mother that has lost a baby. And all of a sudden I know exactly what I need to hear and the things that aren't helpful to hear.
I know this is a very subjective thing, so my thoughts on what is or isn't appropriate or helpful may not be true for everyone or potentially even anyone else, but this has been my experience and hope that it may be useful for anyone who knows someone going through the loss of a baby and doesn't know what to say...Also, please don't feel hurt or offended if you have said these things to someone who has lost a baby, as I'm sure you meant it with compassion and sympathy and not maliciously; I just wanted to share some thoughts on what it can feel like to hear these words...
So..things NOT to say...
1. (In the case of losing a twin)... "At least you have the other one" - I'm sorry to sound ungrateful for this comment, but my twin sons are two individual people, not half of a whole, so apologies for not seeing my situation as a "glass half full vs half empty" simile. Having one does not negate the loss of the other. However, I totally understand that this is often said with the kindest sentiment and intention, and I would always receive it in the way it was intended. My view of having our survivor twin is that he is a ray of sunshine through a difficult time and loss of his brother. He has helped us mourn the loss of his brother, because he is a fighter and a reminder of our other gorgeous son. But no, there is no "at least", you wouldn't say "at least" to someone who had lost one baby in a singleton pregnancy, so perhaps don't say it to someone with twins.
2. I know how you feel...(this is only appropriate coming from you if you have also lost a baby). Again, often meant in the kindest, most sympathetic way, what it actually feels like to hear that is, "what you're going through is very common and so don't dwell on it". It can feel like it negates the suffering and the pain of losing a baby.
3. It was God's will.
As a Christian, I really struggle with this one, because honestly, I could not believe in or love a God that decided to kill babies. It was not God's will that our son died, it was quite the opposite. When we got the news, God wept with us, we could feel it. It is a result of the cruel, fallen world we live in, not the result of a cruel God who means to hurt us. Although hard to accept in the darkest moments, I know a God that is for me, who loves us, who loves Benjamin.
4. I'm sure you'll get pregnant again.
Well yes, hopefully, but perhaps now is not the time to say this as what it feels like you're saying is, "all babies are the same and you can replace the lost one with another one". That's not the case when we lose loved ones, and I can confirm it's definitely not the case with babies.
But perhaps the absolute worst thing to do is...
5. Avoiding them completely.
I would happily take hearing all of these things over silence. Losing a baby can make you feel very lonely and afraid of any situation where you might encounter other mums. Now is not the time to back off and give your friend "space", they will tell you if they need space. Otherwise, chances are, that they need you. They need a hug, they need a listening ear. They need someone who will sit with them, and be covered in snotty tears, and listen to incomprehensible words through those tears.
Things to think about when speaking to someone who has lost a baby:
1. How well do you know them? Will they be able to hear the sentiment over the potentially clumsy words? Would it be best to keep it short and simple or to help open them up to talk about it?
2. Try to imagine how it feels and what you wouldn't want to hear. If you wouldn't want to hear it, there's a good chance your friend won't either!
3. Don't be afraid of saying the wrong thing. My comments on here are just some thoughts as to what was helpful to hear and what wasn't, but it is better to hear that you cared about and loved (even if it is through the words "It was God's will"), than to hear nothing at all and to feel isolated.
Things you definitely SHOULD say...
1. "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "I'm sorry about ... (name)"
2. If your friend has named the baby/ies they lost, use the baby's name(s)!
3. Don't be afraid to talk to them about it, they won't ever forget about their baby, and they don't want the world to either.
4. Down the line, STILL ask them about it when they want to talk about it. The pain of that loss will never go away completely, we just get a little better at managing it as time goes on. There will be fresh triggers every now and then that bring the grief home again.
5. "This situation is £$%*& (enter appropriate expletive), what can I do/what do you need/how can I support you?"
So there are my thoughts. Don't overthink or worry if you've ever said any of the above to a friend that has lost a baby through stillbirth or miscarriage, I'm sure they will have received it with the kindest and love with which you intended. But if you are reading this before talking to your friend, maybe have a think about the best thing to say and how she will take it.
At the end of the day "That's crap. I'm so sorry. I'm here for you", goes a really long way.
Thankfully I was blessed with family and friends who said just that, but not everyone is!
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